"Hello, It Is Me Again"

Hello, it is me again.

Yes, it has been a very long while since I last posted. Apparently, writing one blog post a year has become a theme around here --- except this time, it has been over a year, and we are now 8 months into 2026. 

The last time I wrote, I was just about to get hit by one of the worst burnouts I have experienced in years.  And when I say burnout, I don't mean " I worked too hard and need a vacation." This was something completely different.

The Year I Lost

I literally lost over a whole year: with the exhaustion, overwhelm, anxiety, and the pain. I have spent the majority of this past year at home, sleeping in bed or on my couch, not doing much at all. The few times I do go out can wipe me out for days, sometimes weeks, depending on the outing. My house is a mess; I am lucky to get some basic stuff done on a day-to-day basis, and I really need a shower. Yeah, it is bad. 

The good news is I am slowly, and I stress, slowly, coming out of my burnout. At first, I thought this was just a bad Fibromyalgia flare. When I did what I always do for a bad flare (extra rest, changing my diet, de-stressing, taking some extra supplements, etc...), it usually calms things down within a few days. After about a month, the flare was worse, not better; that was a good indication to me that something else was going on. 

Something Wasn't Right

My journey over the last year has been trying to survive and figure out what is going on in my body. Why am I so fatigued all the time, why are my emotions all over the place, why does my body hurt all the time, why are none of my coping skills working, why can't I do anything anymore, why am I stuck, and am I worse now than before? It seems all the progress I was making over the years just stopped and reversed itself. Crazy, right? Can a person really regress so quickly, and if so, why? I  couldn't be imagining everything I have been going through; something must have changed. 

So, back to the doctors I go again to have a chat and get some more tests done. I was due for a check-up and follow-up on some blood work anyway. It was good I got the blood work done; I had been taking the wrong dose of vitamin D for a while and went from too little to too much vitamin D, my bad. So off the vitamin D I went; funny how you can feel awful if you have too little or too much of something. After some discussions with my doctor and testing to come and find out I was definitely in perimenopause, oh what fun. However, neither one of these explained why I was getting worse. 

So more blood work and my last doctor's appointment to date. I still haven't gone over what my blood work said, as I never got to actually visit with my doctor. I had a full-blown meltdown at the doctor's office. Let's just say it was bad; I was embarrassed after I finally calmed down later at home. I have not been back since and still need to fill out the paperwork; just the thought of going back brings up extreme anxious feelings in me. I know I will eventually need to go back, and I am working on it, but in the meantime I still need answers and some solutions. So I do what I always do and pray about it, and God has been sending me tidbits of answers and discoveries. God is always good, and His methods can definitely be mysterious. 

Then the Lightbulb Went On

While I would be doom scrolling on FB, Instagram, YouTube, certain topics started to pop up in my feed, not any topics I typically look at. I would get info ads on my health by Dr. Josh Axe on how important certain supplements are for energy, etc.. and then a clip of a podcast on ADHD and emotional dysregulation and how it looks in undiagnosed women, and another clip on perimenopause and ADHD/Autistic burnout. The lightbulb in my head went off, and I started looking more into ADHD/Autistic burnout and how it looks in undiagnosed women, especially during perimenopause. I also started learning more about hormonal changes and how they can affect women. And WOW, the stories I read all could have been me, and I started to think of my whole life, how I have always struggled in school, with peers, and just in how certain life stuff always seemed so hard for me. 

Looking Back Through a Different Lens

Yes, I have childhood trauma, but that does not explain everything; it just makes things muddy and extra difficult to sort through. I have spent years upon years in different types of therapy, and God has also helped heal a lot of my trauma, but I still have issues that have always been there. I just now have names for all my odd quirks and difficulties. Like, Time Blindness is a real thing; I never had a name for it, but time does not pass the same for me, and it never has. RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) is another one, which really has helped me look at my past anger issues and hurt differently and why I am so sensitive to when someone just looks at me wrong. There is just so much to unpack, but the more I learn, the more it makes sense and really clicks. I even took some online questionnaires, and I scored very high on both ADHD and autism screening measures. Obviously, that isn't the same thing as a professional diagnosis, but the results gave me another reason to look more closely at ADHD and autism. I would love to get a proper diagnosis, but the cost of the official tests is in the thousands, and frankly, since I am not able to work, it really is unrealistic to get those anytime soon. 

Also, what would it do for me? Before the perimenopause, I was able to cope and mask; I still had Fibromyalgia and other health issues that made it difficult to work part-time. Now, with the burnout, I can't work at all; my coping does not work, and I am unable to mask. I have not worked enough over the last 5 years to qualify for disability, and when I applied twice back in 2016 after my back injury, I still got denied twice. It is frustrating to say the least, but I trust God will help me find a way somehow. 

It is not so off topic to mention my own mother was diagnosed with adhd in her fifties, not long before she passed away; I would not be surprised if she were still alive that she would also have autism. It would explain so much of her life, though it does not excuse her poor choices; but I now see her through a different lens that makes me sad she struggled so much and resorted to self-medicating to just feel normal and try to fit in. I can't help but wonder how her life, my life, and the lives of my siblings might have been different had she gotten the proper diagnoses and support she needed long ago. 

What I'm Learning Now

I also came across another doctor's podcast discussing possible connections between Fibromyalgia, ADHD, and Autism based on newer research. The supplements I started a year ago have been helping; not blaming myself and removing all obligations have also helped. I'm following some of the recommendations I've found for adhd/autistic burnout, and so far, some of them seem to be helping. I am grateful to my close friends and family that I have shared some of my journey with them. I appreciate all the prayers. 

Where God Comes Into All of This

God has reminded me I did not end up here overnight (though it feels that way), and it will take time to get better. This is an opportunity to grow closer with God and figure out who I am in Him and how to better support my neurospicy brain. I will try to update the health page with the new terms I have used and what my research has found. The more we know and share, the better we all are. I know I am not the only one going through this crazy discovery. I have read too many other stories that describe my experience almost to a T. 

Understanding has helped me to forgive and move on and take that knowledge and pass it on. Many may not want to hear or accept it; many still see neurodivergent as something broken when, in fact, it is not. Our brains and nervous systems are just wired differently, and some of our greatest innovators in history have been neurodivergent. 

I now know why I ramble on and go on tangents, always on side quests--  what squirrel? It has been so validating, and though I still have a long way to go, I am better prepared now for the road ahead. 

Until Next Time...

Take Care and God Bless,

Ryan

A quick note: I am sharing my personal experiences and the things I am researching as I try to understand my own health. I am not a medical professional, and nothing I share should be considered medical advice or a diagnosis.

Back at it Again

 Hello, it's been a long time, again. Here I am back at it. What is it? Writing of any kind, I do miss it and have been so caught up in my own head and I really just need an outlet. Now if it comes to something that would be a bonus, but for now I am just going to write for me. If you have wandered onto my blog and are reading this, thank you for your time. Feel free to leave a comment or message me, I always appreciate the constructive dialogue. 

Now I am staring at my first paragraph and have some serious writer's block. When I was at college one of the tips suggested to us in one of my writing courses was just to start writing, it did not have to have a goal or idea in mind, just ramble your thoughts onto the paper like I am doing now. It is a start and if you don't get an idea after a bit that is okay, the point is just to write every day consistently. It helps to set a goal for how long or for x amount of words. Currently, I have set my goal of 750 words a day. Today is the first day for that goal. 

Another tip or really it was more of a daily assignment was to write at least one paragraph of daily noticing's, meaning to write something down that you noticed that day. It could be anything, from maybe how the coffee smells brewing as you try to wake up in the morning, or how the sun catches all the little dust motes as it shines through the window. Well, I am sure you get the idea.  What was always fun about the daily noticings was not what I would write but reading what my fellow classmates would write. I mean we all went to the same college and lived in the same city, it was interesting to see how different the noticings were and yet the same.

Last week I started another blog strictly for bible study. That will be new and different for me and hopefully will help me stay on track with my bible study and writing at the same time. The goal for that one is to have something each week, ideally at the same time, but as long as I get 1x a week, that will be good. If you are interested in joining me on my bible journey the name and link of that blog are:

 "Look Past A Dark Glass" 

https://lookpastadarkglass.blogspot.com/

I think I have a start on two realistic goals to get back into writing. My writing will be rambling at first until I figure out what I will write about, or really until I find my niche. I have copied and pasted this post into Word so I can get a word count and I am close to 450, I will have to add this last bit into the word count to know for sure. As my goal is 750, I don't think that has to be all done in one swoop, I still have this week's bible study to write up. Anyhoo, until next time, I may or may not ramble on this blog daily, or perhaps just weekly to keep updated. I have yet to decide. 

Take Care and God Bless,

Ryan 

(569 word count)

Journaling Blues

 Hello Again!

It has been a few years since I last visited my blog, (not ideal, right?). I have more or less treated this blog as a personal journal, which I am not very consistent at, period. I do go through phases, and I do love writing (despite the lack thereof), I have my ups and downs (don't we all). I thought a blog would be a good place for me to practice what I love and share my life along the way. The problem with that is unless I am at school. or work with deadlines and assignments, well setting my own personal time to write just goes right out the window. I have my moments where I am dedicated, but then something comes up, I get sick, busy, writer's block, etc... and well the habit of writing each day just fizzles away. I am sure I am not alone in this, but this is not good especially if I would legitimately like to make writing a part of my career. I am not good with the regular 9-5 jobs, for a few reasons, the main my health has not been consistent over the last 13yrs. Consistency has not been my friend, ever. I am a lifelong truant when it comes to the ole' 9-5, just go back and ask any of my school teachers and employers. "She is a great student if she would be in class and show up on time..."; "She is a great worker, only if she could be on time and not call in so much..." is the story of my life. I am now 45, I do have some college under my belt with an AAS degree, and I was able to get a decent G.P.A. of 3.6 (meaning I got mostly A's & B's, Woo Hoo!) but after that what do I have to offer? 

Professionally not a whole lot in the portfolio. I do have lots, of life experience, lots of odd jobs I have done over the years, lots of reading, and personal education on health and well-being, and also just being a mom (well that is a whole other blog in and of itself, lol!). I do love learning new things, the conventional way just doesn't suit me very much. I am very much an outside-of-the-box person, that has always marched to my own beat (which my daughter will tell you is always off-beat and out of tune!). So, where am I going with this, I had to stop and think, to get back on track,(I am notorious for going on tangents when it comes to personally relaying information/storytelling). I am good at writing and always have been. I may not have a lot of professional articles or samples to display, but I can always start making some. It would be difficult to go back to all the various writing assignments and personal blurbs I have done in the past, so why not start fresh? This is my journey and I have seen no rules anywhere that say you can not start new. If you read the bible (which I highly encourage everyone to do) it says to renew your mind daily, to become a new person (in God), this is not so very much different from that, this is just geared to where I would like my career. I always enjoy finding regular everyday life analogies that fit so well with the bible.

It does mean a little bit more elbow grease, but that has never scared me away. In fact, I think I am up for the challenge, I know I can be my own worst enemy, but I think it is time to start being my own best cheerleader instead. No more journaling blues, I will keep this blog and use it to practice and publish something once a week. I think that is a fair attainable starting goal, to begin. With that said, this post will be the first of many to come on this new journey of mine. Some posts may be more personal and reflective, and some may be article samples or even bible studies, the point is to write and get more practice writing. I will publish, not knowing if I have anyone interested in reading what I have to say, but that is not the goal. If you are reading this, thank you! I know time is precious, so, thank you for taking the time to read and I am always open to feedback. Just to clarify, feedback is not negative bashing, it is positive encouragement and criticism. With that in mind, please feel free to let me know how I am doing on my writing journey.

Take Care and God Bless!

~Ryan